Here's a sample of our favorite accountant jokes, as well as IRS jokes and jokes about taxes:
Are accountant's boring? Well, we don't think so but ....
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes that he doesn't have the charisma to become an undertaker.
Why did the accountant cross the road?
To bore the people on the other side.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
How can you tell when an accountant is extroverted?
He looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What do you call an accountant seen talking to someone?
What do accountant's do for fun?
Add up the telephone book.
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep, what does she do?
Leans over to her husband and says "Tell me about work today, honey."
A lady goes to see her doctor with some very worrisome symptoms. After examining her, he says, "I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but you only have
six months to live." The lady is very distraught, "Oh doctor, what should I do", she asks. The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a CPA."
"Will that make me live longer?", she asks, hopefully. "No, " says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."
But, in our defense, accountants aren't really boring people.
We just get excited over boring things.
We know you know that all accountants are honest. But ...
The clerk walks into the boss's office and says, "The auditors have just left, sir."
"Have they finished checking the books?", asks the boss. "Very thoroughly," is the reply. "Well, what did they say", says the boss. "They want 15% to keep quiet."
A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division. He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
Our own pearly gates story:
An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. "What sort of accountant were you?" "Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply. "Name?" asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. "Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span." The accountant says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old." Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" asks the accountant. "Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least
93 years old!"
But in the "we ain't as dishonest as them lawyers" category ...
An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's. The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there. " I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here." The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds." The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, "How do you start a flood?"
What about the IRS and taxes?
What's the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.
And the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A mugger stops a guy on the street at gunpoint.
"Give me all your money", he says. The muggee is
indignant. "You can't do this," he yells. "I'm an
IRS agent. "In that case," says the mugger, "give me all MY money."
It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat". The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as. "I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. "Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
And, what about those damn tax forms?
An accountant is walking along the beach (also, not the joke) and he finds an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and of course, a genie appears. The genie says "I am the most powerful genie that has ever lived. I can do great and wonderful things and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one." Well, this accountant is a deeply caring individual. He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean area and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Arab-Israeli conflict in the Middle East. The genie strokes his beard and looks worried. "Oh dear, " he says , staring at the map. "That's a tough one. Those people have been fighting for eons. No one has been able to come up with a successful solution. I'm not sure if I could do any better. You should probably make another wish." The accountant is understanding and says, "All right. Listen, the IRS has asked me to re-design their 1040 form so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?" There's a long silence and finally the genie says, "Let's have another look at that map."
In the "Rodney Dangerfield we just don't get no respect" file ...
A wife to her husband as they watch their young son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."
But in the chip off the old block file, we have...
Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child,
"No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
And, lastly, in our "don't feel so bad if you're just not getting it" file, a quote from the late Albert Einstein:
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax."